Cons:
You forgot some either obvious or already detailed things mid-battle that you should either know or at least have predicted (primarily w/ the "I don't know if Ludicolo has Rain Dance).
Some relatively unimportant hax.
Pros:
Excellent commentary throughout the battle.
An interesting battle that was not one sided (though you wound up at a considerable disadvantage, it's not like either one of you took the entire game on the back of one guy).
Well-formatted piece, with regular status, percentage and score updates.
Additional formatting props: use of gifs, ease of knowing who's pokemon is whose and doing what, how text is set up between comments and log, post game discussion.
Overall, it was an excellent and enjoyable read. My minor gripes should stand to show how good the warstory actually is. Great job!
Edit: Additional points for Salac/Flail. I keep playing Battle Factory on Emerald prior to Platinum's release and last week I wound up with Flail/Endure/?Salac? users almost every time. It takes me back *sniff*