I am writing this because I feel as if I am at the end of my ropes. I have spiraled down a path I cannot return from. I've become entombed within this grim suffering that I cannot escape. I am, in every sense, living out this miserable life eclipsed from hope. I have no explanation, only my story and the dim hope that there is a chance for me...and for them...them being my loved ones.
You see, for the past handful of weeks, give or take Three or Four, I've had the most agonizing visions in my sleep. Visions of horrific mutilation, torture, disgusting acts of violence...all trusted upon the ones I love dearly. One might typically pass these on as nightmares and nothing more than the terrors of the human mind, at first I did the same, but there is a force working upon me that I cannot control and I feel has absolute domination over my mind, my life, and whatever Soul mankind truly holds within.
Let me take you back to where this began. I came here to tell every detail of my story and the urges to sleep are overbearing. I must continue writing at all cost. My life weeks ago was obviously much different despite me stilling being in quite the unfavorable situation. I was recently laid off from my workplace. Quickly after I was overcome with sever depression. I lost satisfaction in all things that ones gave me great pleasure. Roughly around the time the suicidal thoughts appeared the Dreams began to haunt me. I remember every one of them vividly as if something has burnt the horrific scenes into my mind and the dreams play on a loop..one after the other.
The First Dream begins with the most comforting state of susceptibility I have ever experienced in my life. There was surely something cradling me as I floated in a snowy like darkness. I could not see a body or arms around me but I could with certainly know that there was indeed an entity of great power lifting me as it build it's twisted world around me. Very slowly the Snowy Darkness formed my Childhood bedroom. Every detail was exact. The playful Decor, the milk stains in the carpet that my mother could never wash out. The Dust on the fan that my mother never cared to clean due to the odd height of my bedroom ceiling.
I was there, there wasn't a doubt in my mind. I could smell my Mother's coffee brewing down the hall, the cigarette odor following close behind. I could feel the ridged toughness of the Carpet below me. I was an adult, but the world around me was that from my Childhood. It wasn't until I peeked out the window that I realized not every detail was perfect.
My window was on the second floor. It had a perfect view into our neighbors bathroom. I remember various times when my younger, mostly teenage self, would catch peeks of my neighbor's wife and daughter undressing, showering, even brushing their teeth or applying deodorant. However this would not be the case in this warped world for as I peeked out my window I saw nothing but ashen trees for what I could only imagine went on endlessly. There was no undressing women, no voyeuristic view into the lives of people much more stable than myself. It was Emptiness, nothing but Ash and Wood.
At this point I knew I must leave, or attempt to find a way to leave. I exited my bedroom and proceeded down the hall. i could hear my Mother in the kitchen whispering to herself. She sounded so young, so youthful...Her voiced hit nostalgic nerves that reminded me of years before the eviction...before the crimes committed against her and our family. Her mumbling ended and I could hear the creek of her chair. She had heard me, her soft voice begged for me.
I entered the kitchen to what was the first stained memory from this experience. My mother was sitting in her old chair at our old kitchen table. Her body was as it was 15 years ago. She was unclothed and smoking a cigarette. I could not speak, no matter how hard I attempted too. I was being held in place by the same comforting entity that coddled me before. I knew instantly I was once again to be a victim of my mother's shameful desires.
She stood up and began to sluggishly walk towards me. The odor of her cigarette was match by the odor of what I recognized as a Bay at Low tide. Strong and Overpowering it was. She began to mumble again as ash tripped from her mouth and down onto her breast. Her speakings were inaudible, near nonsensical. She began to rub her hands along my face. I was paralyzed and weak. I could feel the urge to vomit growing inside of me. Almost as if sensing this urge, she put her mouth to mine and began to ash onto my tongue and teeth. I could not resist the urge. I began to vomit into her mouth as she grossly moaned in approval. I could not cry, I could not fight the urges and agony I was feeling. I was once again helpless at my Mother's hands.
She stepped back and I could see the combination of my vomit and ash dripping down her body. Down her breast, into her public hair, and down her thighs. She sat back into her chair. It quickly collapsed and she began to scream in panic. I could not make of what was happening below me, I tried not to peer onward but again the urges to consent to this act were to strong to fight. I watched as the floor below my mother began to take shape. It violently entered her body, first through her mouth, then her eyes and nose, soon after vaginally and anally. I watched the blood slowly pour from her orifices as her animalistics cries for help pierced my ears. My eyes drifted upwards to the screen door at the end of our kitchen. The bottom of my view obscured by the violent sexual mutilation of my mother, while in the background I could see it's shape. The Shape of the entity that simultaneously held me. In the Ashen Treescape that had become the outside world I saw it attempt to take form. I saw the many twisted hands begin to touch what I could only imagine was it's genitals. I could see it's long boney arms connecting to a shape that I could only describe as blob like, not shapeless but completely loose in form. I could see it's maw opening at the center of it's body as Ash flowed out and crisp burnt organs became exposed. I saw the many eyes of this entity open at the peak of it's shape, as if they would all look up at the cosmos in unison.
The creature made eye contact with me. I could not eye contact, I could not control my body. The Tense painful arousal I began to see. The shared agony between my dying mother and myself. The Shared ecstasy of the beast and I.
I awoke. I quickly leaned up and attempted to make noise. I was okay, I was alive. I quickly noticed I had ejaculated in my sleep and appeared to have vomited over the side of my bed. With the dream having passed I began to feel increasingly more depressed, hungry, tired, restless, aroused, and the strongest sense of agony and dread I have ever felt in my life. My day went normally despite the haunting memories of my mothers nude body becoming one with my own vomit.
The Second Dream came soon after, I would likely say within four or five days. Just like the previous my day prior had been normal despite the constant feelings locked within me after the first dream. This dream, like all those forward, began differently than the one before. The comforting entity and the Snowy Blackness remained, but the world being constructed around me was that of my High school English Room. The world outside the windows solidified that I was once again in the nightmare world of the beast. I knew what would be coming soon, I knew this would be another disturbing reimagining of events of my past. I knew Mr.Daro would soon appear. I knew he would be hurting her the same way he did before. I knew I could do nothing about it...that much would be the same.
The dismissal bell rang. I did the only reasonable thing I could think of doing, I dismissed myself from the room. The hallway outside however was where things became twisted. It was endless, lockers and tiles for miles, Ash littered loosely on the floor. I could hear her painful grunts but I could not see her. I could hear his attempts to silence her but I could not see her. I could hear the clashing of flesh and the smothered cries for help. At this point I felt the entity slowly pull me back to the room of Mr. Daro. I could now hear their confrontation much louder. The entity faded me through the door and there they were. The blinds were down, the desk were turned on their sides, and two bodies of flesh were on Mr. Daro's long desk...contorting and binding into a almost shapeless mass.
An act of violent sexual power became an act of fusion in this case. Every time he thrust into her their bodies sank closer into each other, skin ripping and blood mixing below them. His hand cupping her mouth in silence began to sink into her lips. His other hand on her breast began to blend disgustingly into her pale nipples. However, as they blended together their mass grew. New Limbs appeared, sets of sexual organs began to grow from his back and the sides of her torso. These organs began to penetrate on another. This act of violent rape became a single individual creature, proceeding to orgy with itself.
I felt this pain she felt, the pain of viciously losing your innocence and dignity while your brother watched onward from the Door window and did nothing. I felt his pleasure, the pleasure of sexual violence being tapped into. The agonizing arousal came over me once again. I felt enlightened but at the same time disgusted. My emotions were in sync with hers while my body began to grow in sync with His. My insides conflicting, my mental state completely diminishing. I saw the mass forming once again behind them. The Slender Boney Arms, the twisted crippled hands, It's body seeming to cling in the air, becoming one with the nightmare world it built around itself. It's great maw let loose pounds of ash onto their bodies. It's thousand eyes tilting downward as if to watch my approval. I could now make every detail of the beast while it began to absorb the gruesome orgy before it. It's body was almost the texture of jello, but more sludge like, as if it was made of pure tar. Surrounding it's lower region were many sex organs between many contorted arms. The arm span was uncomfortable long and it's hands appeared as broken, some child like and covered in flesh, the others the same tar substance the creature seemed to be made of.
As it engulfed them, both Monster and Man began to scream while the bodies suffocated and crushed my mutilated sister below. I could see the remains of her individual body be crushed. Bones shatter from skin, urine squeezed out of her groin like a juiced fruit. Her bowels empties as organs forced themselves out. I felt every fraction of this pain and can not begin to describe how unbearable it truly was.
I awoke quickly, again finding myself had ejaculated and my entire bed soaked in sweat. My bed had been ruined, soiled by all manners of bodily fluid. I would not sleep, I would never sleep again. That was my solution to this unexplained dilemma. That very decision would be the one that escalated the situation I had found myself in. For I went days without sleeping and for the days I went I grew more tense and unstable. I began to smell the Cigarette smoke that stained my mother's dresses. I began to smell the perfume my sister adored so much. I began to hear my wife's voice begging me to help her, begging her to pull her out. I could smell her burning flesh.
I could hear Cynthia crying from the back seat. I could not save them then, but I would not let my nightmares violate them as well. I began to spend time on my balcony, finding myself held back from jumping by the same force that comforted me in my dreams. I began to has visions of far off suns and planets where nothing but fire and tar make up the terrain. I hear chanting, deep unisex voices chanting in languages I do not understand but give me the ultimate sense of hopelessness.
It was at this point in which Nightmares turned into active daydreams. I was no longer in control of my life. Just like now, I would fight sleep ultimately to realize the world around me is a fabrication. The first lose of control was a clear sign from the beast that I was no longer getting chances, I WOULD consent to it's torture and I WOULD be a slave to it's desires. There was no comforting entrance to the dreamscape. I was simply there, on the side of the road, watching my wife and child burn alive as the fire itself took shape and began to molest them. Both of them moaning in sever pleasure while their skin blistered and popped. I could hear the deepest humming as the beast began to form in the Ashen woodlands behind them. I was there, I was helpless. I felt the agony of my wife and daughter while the beast bent their helpless mortal souls to it's will. I could feel the pleasure it forced into them, the confusion from my young daughter as the beast twisted sexual hellscape is forced into her innocent body.
My wife peered over to me, mouthing words I could not make out. The beast's thousand eyes looked upwards to what I could now see was a sky filled with endless stars. Soon after, I awoke on my balcony leaning over the ledge. The beast had taunted me not only with the worst of all agonies, but with the release of death.
This has continued seemingly nonstop for what I believe to be weeks. I do not feel as if I've slept. I do not have a grasp of time or reality. I do not know if I'm in our own world or the world this great unforgiving beast has created around me.
I am it's slave, I can only be thankful that it's letting me write this...even though deep down I truly know this is all for nothing.
I will continue to watch everyone I ever loved die, I will feel their agony through every second and I will feel the pleasure the beast gains from this as it's 1,000 dotty eyes stare deeply into the cosmos.
I am hopeless. I am not meant to be forgiven.