Hi, let's do a proper post now that I have a way better idea of who I am and what I am. Still think my previous coming out post (and the other posts in the series) are masterpieces of modern comedy, but I reckon a more descriptive post might be worth it, both for the few people who care and for myself to look back at in 3 years and cringe.
Hi, I'm Astrid or Asheviere (formerly bumbadadabum), and I'm a transgender woman living in the Netherlands. While I'm out openly both irl and online, I have not started HRT yet (zzz bureaucracy), but hope to do so as soon as it's available.
My coming out story is, much like with a lot of other trans girls, not a single story, but rather a slow realization with tons of repression. From the start of puberty, I noticed there was something "wrong" with me. I always felt like I had to pretend to be something I wasn't. I felt like an alien pretending to be a human throughout most of my adolescent life. I just figured everyone must feel this way, though it really took me to some dark places during my life. I had a period where I thought none of my emotions were genuine, and I was just a psychopath. While this sounds (and definitely is) laughably edgy, they're some really toxic thoughts to legit have about yourself. I also never saw the link between these thoughts and my horrible body image, another problem that has plagued me throughout puberty. I really hated everything about looking like a man, and everything about growing up that made me more masculine felt like another stab in the stomach. I would cry in the shower seeing what my body has become. I wished I were a girl on a weekly basis at the least.
But I repressed it. And I hate teenage me for that! Dumb little shit decided to go to the wrong places on the internet and read harmful lies about trans people, making her think she was sick in the head. I really bought into the autogynephilia horseshit I read online, and it took me way too long to realize how fucking toxic it all is. After repressing it semi successfully, 2019 hit me like a ton of bricks. Since this was the year I graduated college, I started thinking a lot about the future, and how I see myself in the future. And it wasn't a good outlook. The thought of growing old as a man really really upset me on a level I couldn't comprehend. Soon, an idea started cropping up in my head, an idea that nested itself deep in my conscious and wouldn't leave for even a single second once it found its way inside. "What if I'm trans?". Of course, this is not something you accept easily, or even fathom could be true. You see other people struggle with this sort of shit, but never expect you to be one of them.
Initially, I dismissed the thought as insanity. However, it would not leave. It took me until about April this year, after looking over the past decade of my life, to entertain the idea. The first time I gave in to the "wrong" thoughts I had was one of the most liberating feelings I've ever felt. It didn't take long after for it to entirely click for me. There's a difference between knowing you're trans and accepting it, and it took me until early July to finally muster up the courage to tell my closest friends and family what I was feeling.
While the unknown is scary and I was horrified to accept that this was happening to me, I am incredibly glad I took this step. I feel so much better about myself, and feel much more comfortable in my own skin. While I'm still very much at the start of this journey, I'm very proud of the progress I've been able to make so far coming to accept and embrace being trans, and I would very much like to thank all my trans (and also cis) friends on PS and Smogon, you really mean the world to me. I would also like to thank all the good resources out there online to help people come to terms with their gender identity. Misinformation kept me in the closet for far too long, and I hope I can help make a difference where I can to help make the world (or at least PS) a nicer place for LGBTQ! (mostly the T though sorry I'm a bit biased here)
Thanks for reading through all of my giant essay, unless you're one of those lazy asses who reads only the first and last paragraph of a post, in which case hah you missed all of it!